Why timing and guilt are key to changing habits

Today is Sunday and every Sunday morning my daughter and I make pancakes, almost without fail. It’s become a weekly habit. I mean it’s hardly ever a chore for me to make those pancakes at the weekend in the morning. It can be a challenge to think of the flavour we’re going to have, but that’s often linked to whether we have a mouldy banana that needs using…

It got me thinking, how much does it take for something to become a habit? I’m going to class something as a habit as something that you can do without really thinking about it; that you feel you miss out on more by not doing it, than doing it. Some habits are good and some are bad.

Habit; a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

I think I could safely say that my 5am (ish) starts are now a habit. I tend to do them without too much thought (though some are much more difficult than others) and I feel like I miss out on part of the day if I don’t get up. Also if I miss one or two I don’t feel guilty, I just get up the next day and start like I never stopped. Sometimes I even consciously say to myself; have a lie in today and enjoy it!

For me, a habit is not all about only doing the good things, it’s about permitting yourself to do the bad things, knowing that it’s part of life.

Sometimes I wonder if developing a good a habit could be extended to not feeling guilty if you consciously allow yourself to give in and sub-consciously recognise that it won’t matter. You just move on and keep going when you can. In other words a habit is a success if you no longer feel the guilt associated with doing the wrong thing, but you have a regulatory ability to allow yourself to do the ‘wrong’ thing on occasion.

It didn’t really take me long to settle into a 5am routine, mostly because I wanted to get up at this time to get writing like this done. I found in the beginning it was easy, then I slipped off the bandwagon for a few weeks, but then I got back on again as if I had never left.

So if we want to do something, getting into a habit is much easier. That’s not really rocket science though. If we want to do something, we’ll do it. But how much do you want it?

What’s the difference between wanting something and really wanting something?

I mean, I would love to lose weight but right now I don’t want it enough to be successful. There has to be something else in place before I can be.

What is it?

I think it also may be the sense of what you have to ‘give up’ to start your new habit. To get up at 5am I had to go to bed earlier. No biggy for me because evenings are just Netflix and lounging around. Whether I get up at 5am or whether I get up at 7am, my brain has had enough by that time of night. I didn’t feel I gave much up. Same with the pancakes, I’d have to make breakfast anyway and it’s nice mummy daughter time on a Sunday morning. If I want to lose weight however, I’d have to start dropping the things that I love; cake, chocolate … and spending more time exercising and the like. I’d have to cut into me time.

Before I moved out into the sticks, I used to go to the gym really early in the morning. That was something I pretty much kept up until I moved (and had a baby). It slotted in nicely with my day. I used to enjoy the walk when the roads were quiet and getting to work before everyone else did. Now I’ve found something else to fill the time; writing (and pre-schooler). But you can see that it’s not the thing I want to start that’s the issue, it’s how I can visualise it fitting into my day with the least amount of effort so the chance of success is way higher.

Habit changes takes a lot of willpower. If I can find a part of my day whereby it will take significantly less willpower for the habit change, might as well give myself a head start?

But it’s not only a head start. It’s also giving me a higher chance of success. If I can adopt a habit, or get rid of a habit in the smoothest way possible, the chances of it succeeding must dwarf what it is if you start with an uphill battle.

So work out when your willpower is highest. In the morning, I find it easier just to go with the flow. I’m not fully awake yet so I’m less likely to fight against what it is that I planned to do. Give me the path of least resistance, maximum return. If I was to make a habit change that took place in the evening, it would be a lot more difficult. By then I’m ready to fight back. I’ve had a busy day and asking to do anything else is a chore.

It would take a lot of extra willpower to change a habit then. It’s not impossible, I just really need to look at the fine print as to what I’m up against. What is it that’s really preventing me from forming a habit?

How can I make sure the thing I’m missing out on is an equal or worse option than the new thing I want to start? What part of my day would fit in best with what I’m trying to do?

We all have natural ups and downs during the day and they are all different. It may be that doing something when you’re tired is best.

I also find that if I’m starting something new (or trying to stop something old) I must do it everyday. Doing a little bit now and again might work for some, but for me it needs to be an all or nothing, in the beginning. Then only when the habit is firmly ingrained can I then go back and re-introduce small amounts of the thing I’ve given up.

Take for example, eating cake. If I allow myself just a little bit of cake, rather than maybe a lot of cake everyday… then everyday I get reminded how amazing cake is. Even once a week, that’s enough to start a cascade of guilt and envy. If I give it up completely, then I don’t get that constant reminder. If I give it up completely so it becomes normal to not want the cake, then I can on occasion allow myself a piece, knowing that I will be back on the bandwagon easily the next day.

But just how long do I have to go before I develop an anti-cake habit?

Well I’ve gone 3 months before and that didn’t stick…

…. but wait a minute, now I’ll have a habit clash…

… Sunday pancakes …